Lost

Yes, I used to blog on blogspot. But for some reason still unknown to me, I stopped blogging altogether and since then, even after several attempts, which couldn't be considered Herculean by any stretch of imagination, I had failed to revert to blogging. It felt as if it were a proprietary of the distant past. Now, after being accidentally introduced to few blogs, I feel like bringing those good, old blogging days back to life.

My life has been not so jovial during the last few months. I have seen my peers sailing from college life to their respective coveted professional lives. But I, for one, seem to have stuck somewhere between those two arenas. Without any apparent movement. Static. Neither here nor there, as they say.

New events seem to have abandoned visits to my life and I have, beyond doubt, developed a faint yet distinct hate towards this monotone behavior of my life. Over the last six months, people, things and seasons have commuted with scaring haste in front of my eyes and the sight of their magnificent ride has, rather conspicuously, germinated seeds of forlorn emotions. I find myself standing alone, as a silent witness to a myriad of events that don't even remotely concern me. And the wait for things to change in my own life is threatening to be eternal and to be honest, that feeling doesn't sit nicely inside me.

The sudden loss of direction and purpose in life has made me a bit deplorable and perhaps desperate as well. I eagerly look forward to that proverbial spring being just around the corner.

"If you are going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill

The Forces

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.

It comes to me as no surprise that I find myself as an amalgam of all these four. Interesting is the fact that I am far from balanced. It is, however, just a matter of time before I attain the balance and reach the equilibrium. Till then, I would enjoy the dominant force inside me---bloody-mindedness, that is. And the world will have to deal with me. There is no hiding back....

It is often quoted that a man is known by the kind of friends and foes he has had, though I brutally discard any such clichéd proposition. Nevertheless, roll your sight on the things people have said over the stretch of time about yours truly and decide the sanctity of my character on your own. Sounds fair, doesn’t it? Of course, it does! After all, it is my character and not yours that is being put on test.

“The next time you stealthily pick money out from my purse without permission, you will be kicked out of the house”---No prizes for guessing why my mother was annoyed!!

“I won’t give up and I will request you not to give up as well. Just persist and let us hope we last longer than our lives. It is one of those very few aimless quests in my life”---a friend when I asked him to stop asking me the question that he continues to seek answer of for last four years. It seems that we come from a place where men take pride in being stubborn.

“I am betting 100 bucks on you. You know how much I despise losing . You won’t let me lose, will you?”---a friend who seems to have too much faith in me.

“Your right eye is a touch smaller than the left one. Somehow it appears so only from a small distance”---What the heck was she doing so close to my eyes??

“You think of giving up on me and I put a bullet in you head”---a friend when I told that I was good at driving people away. Incidentally, I didn’t know my friends kept guns with themselves. I had to reconsider who drove whom away.

“You are, if anything, a zombie. You walk as if there is no one around. Your talk with the least of warmth. You look as if you have not been served food for decades. Can you recall the last time you acted like a normal human being?”—a friend who, I guess, had a really bad day and needed someone to bring all his frustrations out upon. Guess who he bumped on!

“I like you for not what you are but in spite of what you are”---a friend who seemed desperate to let me know about my unsung qualities. I wondered for a week if what he said could be taken as a compliment. In the end, I decided otherwise.

“Your language is as bitter as gourd and it hurts as deep as sea”---oops, someone doesn’t wish to let even a single chance of framing similes go by.

“Your behavior scares me. Your attempts at achieving numbness is dreadful. Believe it or not, your conduct is unsocial. Don’t be such a loner. You are missing great fun in life”---a friend who didn’t look impressed by me. Am I really that scary?

“You surely know how to put your foot in your mouth”---a friend when I happened to screw myself up again. Yet again.

“I think I am in love with you”---someone who I hadn’t talked to even once and that ended up being the only talk we two had ever had. I always thought proposal was the most difficult thing to do and there she was, proving me wrong all the way.

“I would have chosen you if it weren’t for every other human being on the earth”---someone who was looking for a partner. Frank and pure. I loved that.

Alphabets

Alphabets		Word(s)	Remark
A		Abhieshek	My identification "mark"
B		Beauty	A thing of beauty is joy for ever
C		Cricket	A passion since childhood
D		Death	A necessary evil
E		English	The language that connects (most) modern-day civilizations
F		Fuck	A word for all seasons
G		God	This one needs no explanation
H		Howard Roark	The perfect man
I		I	My favorite word
J		John McEnroe	Who says temper leads to failure?
K		Knowledge	The quest for knowledge is on
L		Life	The most underrated gift
M		Money	A very powerful tool
N		No	Rejection and disagreement construct new paths, open new windows, unearth new possibilities.
O		Optimism	For hope is the prop of life
P		Philosophy	Provides an answer to every question
Q		Question	Questioning every idea is after all not such a bad idea
R		Religion	An unremovable cog in the human wheel
S		Sachin Tendulkar	An artist who pleases a billion hearts
T		Time	It's the only companion that stays with us from our first breathes till the very last ones
U		Unique	That's what each one of us is
V		Vengeance	"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord"---Divine words!!
W		Why and Why Not	There come the questions again!
X		X	It denotes every unknown, every unidentified, every nameless
Y		Youth	The best period of life
Z		Zion	The ideal place

The Timeline

1984 : Stepped on some strange planet called the earth. I experienced desperation. “This place is oversubscribed.”

1989 : Deliberately pushed my younger brother from some height. He happened to break one of his bones. I experienced elation. “As per my expectations, bones are indeed not strong.”

1990 : Threw a brick at my mate’s face. His evasive actions took some time and his skull spilled some deep red liquid. I experienced composure. “Even the skulls are not strong!”

1990 : Got drowned in deep water in an attempt to gauge its depth. I experienced apathy. “Water riding into the lungs doesn’t spare room for anything. Not even for hope.”

1992 : Got introduced to porn. I experienced excitement. “That was one heck of a discovery.”

1997 : Kissed a girl for the first time. I experienced disappointment. “Expectations don’t help the cause.”

1998 : Modified the contents of checked examination papers and conned the teachers into awarding me brownie marks. I experienced deception. “Conning a man is after all not such a difficult job.”

2002 : Fought for a disloyal man. I experienced betrayal. “The species that is the biggest threat to the existence of mankind is man himself.”

2002 : Arranged a bitter quarrel between two lovebirds. I experienced bloody-mindedness. “A combination of wicked intention and stealth action can produce vicious results.”

2002 : Spent three consecutive days without food under arguably unavoidable circumstances. I experienced satisfaction. “Can that be called developing appetite for hunger?”

2003 : Entered IIT. I experienced despondence. “Journey is a few million times more fun than destination.”

2005 : Spent a couple of months in countryside England. I experienced independence. “An independent mind is the reservoir of unprecedented success.”

2006 : Spent a couple of months in a cauldron-like environment in a steel plant. I experienced strength. “Watching liquid iron flow makes one realize the power of man.”

2006 : Read The Fountainhead. I experienced peace. “A man is only as productive as he allows himself to be.”

2007 : Attained tranquility. I experienced salvation. “Peace is what we seek; effort is what we lack.”

The Book

When I was a kid---13-odd years old-- I found a book in a forgotten corner of my home. It had a thick film of dust planted in its hardbound cover and the pages had adopted a tinge of pale yellowness. The book looked old by all means and I gathered that no one had turned its pages for a long time. The book was voluminous and so it dented whatever desire I had to read it. Nevertheless, I took a look into its pages. There were innumerable phrases of virtue in it written in a very soothing manner. The book was a modern English translation of some another popular book that was written in ancient English centuries ago. Though I can’t recall the exact words that I laid my eyes upon, one of those phrases read something like this:

The only way a man can be perpetually happy is by not handing over all the sources of his happiness to others.

I liked what I read and I have always tried to follow those providential words very passionately since then. I do concede that I have failed miserably few times while translating those words into action but the number of times I have succeeded ridiculously outnumbers those when I have conked out. By the way, when I got rid of dust that veiled the face of the book, it read “The Bible”.

The Hitch

The stage was set. People wished to know who that guy was. Everybody was willing to get a glimpse of that charming individual. After the monologue describing all the wonderful qualities that I possess, the announcer spoke--"Ladies and gentlemen, let me take the honor of presenting in front of you, the one and only----"
A pause. The kind of pause that adds to the excitement; one that bewilders the audience. You along with the entire audience held back in anticipation of hearing that divine name. I could see fervor in your eyes and smile on your face from the backstage. I prepared myself to leave the background and allow the soothing limelight to drown me. I knew it was time for me to be spotted and eventually applauded. Amidst all this exhilaration, I heard the announcer speaking--"Oops, I forgot his name."