The Forces

The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.

It comes to me as no surprise that I find myself as an amalgam of all these four. Interesting is the fact that I am far from balanced. It is, however, just a matter of time before I attain the balance and reach the equilibrium. Till then, I would enjoy the dominant force inside me---bloody-mindedness, that is. And the world will have to deal with me. There is no hiding back....

It is often quoted that a man is known by the kind of friends and foes he has had, though I brutally discard any such clichéd proposition. Nevertheless, roll your sight on the things people have said over the stretch of time about yours truly and decide the sanctity of my character on your own. Sounds fair, doesn’t it? Of course, it does! After all, it is my character and not yours that is being put on test.

“The next time you stealthily pick money out from my purse without permission, you will be kicked out of the house”---No prizes for guessing why my mother was annoyed!!

“I won’t give up and I will request you not to give up as well. Just persist and let us hope we last longer than our lives. It is one of those very few aimless quests in my life”---a friend when I asked him to stop asking me the question that he continues to seek answer of for last four years. It seems that we come from a place where men take pride in being stubborn.

“I am betting 100 bucks on you. You know how much I despise losing . You won’t let me lose, will you?”---a friend who seems to have too much faith in me.

“Your right eye is a touch smaller than the left one. Somehow it appears so only from a small distance”---What the heck was she doing so close to my eyes??

“You think of giving up on me and I put a bullet in you head”---a friend when I told that I was good at driving people away. Incidentally, I didn’t know my friends kept guns with themselves. I had to reconsider who drove whom away.

“You are, if anything, a zombie. You walk as if there is no one around. Your talk with the least of warmth. You look as if you have not been served food for decades. Can you recall the last time you acted like a normal human being?”—a friend who, I guess, had a really bad day and needed someone to bring all his frustrations out upon. Guess who he bumped on!

“I like you for not what you are but in spite of what you are”---a friend who seemed desperate to let me know about my unsung qualities. I wondered for a week if what he said could be taken as a compliment. In the end, I decided otherwise.

“Your language is as bitter as gourd and it hurts as deep as sea”---oops, someone doesn’t wish to let even a single chance of framing similes go by.

“Your behavior scares me. Your attempts at achieving numbness is dreadful. Believe it or not, your conduct is unsocial. Don’t be such a loner. You are missing great fun in life”---a friend who didn’t look impressed by me. Am I really that scary?

“You surely know how to put your foot in your mouth”---a friend when I happened to screw myself up again. Yet again.

“I think I am in love with you”---someone who I hadn’t talked to even once and that ended up being the only talk we two had ever had. I always thought proposal was the most difficult thing to do and there she was, proving me wrong all the way.

“I would have chosen you if it weren’t for every other human being on the earth”---someone who was looking for a partner. Frank and pure. I loved that.

Alphabets

Alphabets		Word(s)	Remark
A		Abhieshek	My identification "mark"
B		Beauty	A thing of beauty is joy for ever
C		Cricket	A passion since childhood
D		Death	A necessary evil
E		English	The language that connects (most) modern-day civilizations
F		Fuck	A word for all seasons
G		God	This one needs no explanation
H		Howard Roark	The perfect man
I		I	My favorite word
J		John McEnroe	Who says temper leads to failure?
K		Knowledge	The quest for knowledge is on
L		Life	The most underrated gift
M		Money	A very powerful tool
N		No	Rejection and disagreement construct new paths, open new windows, unearth new possibilities.
O		Optimism	For hope is the prop of life
P		Philosophy	Provides an answer to every question
Q		Question	Questioning every idea is after all not such a bad idea
R		Religion	An unremovable cog in the human wheel
S		Sachin Tendulkar	An artist who pleases a billion hearts
T		Time	It's the only companion that stays with us from our first breathes till the very last ones
U		Unique	That's what each one of us is
V		Vengeance	"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord"---Divine words!!
W		Why and Why Not	There come the questions again!
X		X	It denotes every unknown, every unidentified, every nameless
Y		Youth	The best period of life
Z		Zion	The ideal place

The Timeline

1984 : Stepped on some strange planet called the earth. I experienced desperation. “This place is oversubscribed.”

1989 : Deliberately pushed my younger brother from some height. He happened to break one of his bones. I experienced elation. “As per my expectations, bones are indeed not strong.”

1990 : Threw a brick at my mate’s face. His evasive actions took some time and his skull spilled some deep red liquid. I experienced composure. “Even the skulls are not strong!”

1990 : Got drowned in deep water in an attempt to gauge its depth. I experienced apathy. “Water riding into the lungs doesn’t spare room for anything. Not even for hope.”

1992 : Got introduced to porn. I experienced excitement. “That was one heck of a discovery.”

1997 : Kissed a girl for the first time. I experienced disappointment. “Expectations don’t help the cause.”

1998 : Modified the contents of checked examination papers and conned the teachers into awarding me brownie marks. I experienced deception. “Conning a man is after all not such a difficult job.”

2002 : Fought for a disloyal man. I experienced betrayal. “The species that is the biggest threat to the existence of mankind is man himself.”

2002 : Arranged a bitter quarrel between two lovebirds. I experienced bloody-mindedness. “A combination of wicked intention and stealth action can produce vicious results.”

2002 : Spent three consecutive days without food under arguably unavoidable circumstances. I experienced satisfaction. “Can that be called developing appetite for hunger?”

2003 : Entered IIT. I experienced despondence. “Journey is a few million times more fun than destination.”

2005 : Spent a couple of months in countryside England. I experienced independence. “An independent mind is the reservoir of unprecedented success.”

2006 : Spent a couple of months in a cauldron-like environment in a steel plant. I experienced strength. “Watching liquid iron flow makes one realize the power of man.”

2006 : Read The Fountainhead. I experienced peace. “A man is only as productive as he allows himself to be.”

2007 : Attained tranquility. I experienced salvation. “Peace is what we seek; effort is what we lack.”

The Book

When I was a kid---13-odd years old-- I found a book in a forgotten corner of my home. It had a thick film of dust planted in its hardbound cover and the pages had adopted a tinge of pale yellowness. The book looked old by all means and I gathered that no one had turned its pages for a long time. The book was voluminous and so it dented whatever desire I had to read it. Nevertheless, I took a look into its pages. There were innumerable phrases of virtue in it written in a very soothing manner. The book was a modern English translation of some another popular book that was written in ancient English centuries ago. Though I can’t recall the exact words that I laid my eyes upon, one of those phrases read something like this:

The only way a man can be perpetually happy is by not handing over all the sources of his happiness to others.

I liked what I read and I have always tried to follow those providential words very passionately since then. I do concede that I have failed miserably few times while translating those words into action but the number of times I have succeeded ridiculously outnumbers those when I have conked out. By the way, when I got rid of dust that veiled the face of the book, it read “The Bible”.

The Hitch

The stage was set. People wished to know who that guy was. Everybody was willing to get a glimpse of that charming individual. After the monologue describing all the wonderful qualities that I possess, the announcer spoke--"Ladies and gentlemen, let me take the honor of presenting in front of you, the one and only----"
A pause. The kind of pause that adds to the excitement; one that bewilders the audience. You along with the entire audience held back in anticipation of hearing that divine name. I could see fervor in your eyes and smile on your face from the backstage. I prepared myself to leave the background and allow the soothing limelight to drown me. I knew it was time for me to be spotted and eventually applauded. Amidst all this exhilaration, I heard the announcer speaking--"Oops, I forgot his name."

Collage of Memories

Baat zara purani si hai. takriban 22 saal pehle bihar ke ek chhote se kasbe mein paida hue. thode bade hue to maa baap ne school mein dakhila karwane ka socha. kasbe mein school ki kami thi. fir bhi maa baap ne koi kasar na chhodi. jald hi humne khud ko ek school mein paya. aalam to yeh tha ki school ka bhi woh pehla hi baras tha, woh bhi kiraaye ke makaan mein. dono naye. dono ek dusre ka haath thaame aage badhe. school ne tarakki ki. hum bhi saath aage chal diye. dus baarah baras ke hue toh khud ko dosto se ghira paya. saath khelte, saath padhte. ghar mein bhi hamesha padhai ka mahaul tha. roz shaam haath pair dho kar padhne baith jaate. dil mein aage badhne ki chahat thi. aankon mein sapne they ki ek din kuchh badaa karenge. logo se suna karte they dilli shahar mein kaafi chamak-damak hai. sun kar dil mein ek chahat si jaag uthti thi.

14 saal humne ussi school ki aangan mein guzar diye. baarahwi pass kiya. number bhi theek se they. aankon mein sapne abhi bhi jawaan they. bade shahar ki baatein hum abhi tak bhool na paye they. magar pitaji se dil ki baat kahe bhi to kaise? maa se kahaa ki hume dilli ki college mein padhna hai. gharwale jaraa sahme. humare ghar mein shayad hi kisi ne bihar ke baahar kadam rakha tha. dilli to dur ki baat thi. fir bhi gharwalo ko kisi tarah manaya. tasalli di ki sab kuchh sambhal lenge. bhari mann se ma ne haami bhar di. doston ko bhi humne alvida keh diya. pitaji saath dilli aye. tez raftaar ki zindagi dekh kar pitaji ne humari or dekha. hum to apni hi duniya mein khoye they. naya shahar, naya josh tha.

Pitaji ko chhodne station aye. train chal padi. waapas jaate waqt pitaji ki aankhon mein humne aanson ki do boondein dekhi. hum iske aadi na they. isliye thoda dukh hua. bhaari mann se apne kamre mein waapas aye. magar aankhon ne fir se naye sapne sajaane ki tayyari kar li thi.

17 saal ki umar mein ek anjaan shahar mein akele ek nayi shuruaat ki. din beete. aaj dilli shahar mein aaye hue paanch saal se zyada ho chuke hain. na shahar raas aya, na shahar ki raunak. fir bhi jeeye ja rahe hain. is jaddojahat mein purane saathi kahin kho se gaye—kuchh humse aage nikal gaye, kuchh ko humne peechhe chhod diya—kabhi jaan kar kabhi anjaane mein. magar in sab se bekhabar hum khud mein hi guum hain. aage ka pata nahin par paanv chale ja rahe hain. ankhein andhere mein aaj bhi kuchh talaash rahi hai. dil mein aaj bhi kuchh paane ki hasrat hai, ek tamanna hai. bas raste anjaan se hain. awara ki tarah manzil ki bas ek jhalak paane ko betaab chale ja rahe hain. kabhi ahiste, kabhi tez par yeh kadam hain ki rukne ka naam hi nahin lete. bas ek ummeed hai ki manzil agle mod pe humara intezaar kar rahi hai. manzil mile na mile, ek baat is shahar ne zarur sikhaya hai ki bina thamey, bina ruke chalte jaane ko hi zindagi kehte hain....