A Judge

It is around 12:30 AM and despite my best efforts to sneak into the dream world, I am here writing a post. The happenings during last few days have left me sleepless, restless and more deplorably, hopeless. This current state is not very uncommon to me. Such a trauma hits me every now and then. And sadly, it takes me quite a while to come out of such woeful situations. I hope it won’t take me so long this time around. It all started when I was talking to one of my mates about my usual nagging problem of going-into-a-shell when things go horribly wrong, and his response was—“Come on friend, you think about a hell lot of things. That’s your problem!” And he disappeared with a cautious smile on his face. I had no words for him. He had left me speechless.

Not too many people empathize emotions. And it hurts when people whom one considers close to himself come up with such savage replies. So, how do we define friends? How are they different from acquaintances? People usually consider those people as their friends whom they hang out with, whom they celebrate their birthdays with, whom they often talk with, whom they share SMS jokes with, and most appropriately, whom they enjoy being with. But, usually, that enjoyment level and henceforth, the relationship start deteriorating once a person starts taking his friend for granted. Most people in this highly materialistic and practical world seek enjoyment from everything and every relationship they are associated with. But when a person needs some constant help from his friend, the relationship is usually pounded. Promises start to vaporize, the everyday-hanging out gives way to avoidance and the popular saying “A friend in need is a friend indeed” becomes a burden. That’s the nature of this modern era!

I was going through one of the forwarded mails in my inbox that talked about a person who CAN’T be considered as a friend. It goes like this…

I am not your friend if:

• You have to think before you speak to me.
• My presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable.
• You have to thank me for everything I do for you.
• You have to say sorry for everything that you don’t do.
• You have to ask me for favors.
• You think I would not be curious to know your new philosophy of life.
• You go by what I say and do not understand what I don’t say.
• You think that listening to your dreams would put me to sleep.
• You would rather keep quiet when you really want to talk.
• You hesitate to ask me to stay back when you think we should be together.
• You take too much time to tell me what I mean to you.

Sounds captivating... Does it not?

People usually use a number of adjectives for their friends like—best friend, close friend, good friend, very good friend and what not. A person even went further to define a bad friend! All these adjectives sound ludicrously eccentric to me. As far as I am concerned, a given person is either my friend or NOT my friend. These are two mutually exclusive sets. The worshipful word ‘friend’ is self-explanatory. It doesn’t need any adjective to pronounce its vitality. But I have seen people who tend to ignore one friend in the presence of another and people to whom a new friend matters more than an old one. There are also few characters who force their friendship upon others. I hope the concerned people are reading this and recognizing themselves.

Let’s imagine how those satirical people might be differentiating their friends. I suppose that person might consider one his best friend if he avoids all eleven above mentioned characteristics, a very good friend if he nullifies say, eight of those points, a good friend if he keeps off five of those and a bad friend if he annuls three or less points in the list. Isn’t that ridiculous? But no matter what I say, people do differentiate between friends. Moreover, they often misread acquaintanceship as friendship. I have learnt the hard way that there is a definite, sharp line that separates these two relationships. Experience is a cruel teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward. But the scars painted by this teacher on the face of life always remind us the mistakes we had committed in the past. And I am glad that I am learning this lesson sooner than later. But I must accept that the pace at which I am learning this prowess is ridiculously sluggish.

Though one can’t judge every person perfectly, one can always get better with experience. The more you get hurt, the more you learn about the ‘techniques’ of choosing friends. It might sound over-optimistic and even idealistic. But at the end of the day, it certainly proves worthful. A cautious and calculated approach while choosing friends can do wonders. We human beings have developed all kinds of institutions where we can learn different arts; be it engineering or dancing or managing business issues but it is pity that we have never been able to evolve schools that can teach us the ways of judging people in a sublime manner. I wish we had few such ‘refuges’…